Finding Your Way Back to Yourself: Part Two

 

“The right coach won’t tell you who to become. They’ll help you trust who you already are.”

If you’ve started looking for a life coach, you’ve probably discovered that it’s not quite as straightforward as you expected.

There are hundreds of us, all with different backgrounds, different qualifications and different approaches. We all have websites, social media pages and testimonials, and if you’re already feeling overwhelmed or unsure of yourself, trying to work out who to trust can easily become another thing to overthink.

People often ask me how they should choose a coach, and they usually expect me to start talking about qualifications, experience or cost. Those things all have their place, but I’ve come to believe there’s a more important place to begin.

How do you feel when you’re with them?

Because although choosing a coach might seem like a practical decision, I think it’s also one of the first opportunities you’ll have to practise trusting yourself.

Coaching is a relationship, not a performance

It’s easy to assume that the best coach is the one with the longest list of qualifications, the biggest following on social media or the most polished marketing.

We’re encouraged to believe that confidence equals competence, and that the people who sound the most certain must know exactly what they’re talking about.

But coaching isn’t a performance.

It’s a relationship.

I’ve come to believe that the right coach isn’t necessarily the one with the fanciest qualifications, the biggest social media presence or the most expensive programme. More often than not, it’s the person who makes you feel safe enough to be honest, supported enough to be challenged and comfortable enough to think differently.

That isn’t something you can measure on a website.

It’s something you notice in yourself.

Pay attention to how you feel

If you’re speaking to a coach, notice what happens during the conversation.

Do you feel heard?

Do you feel understood?

Do you feel rushed, or do you feel as though there’s space to think?

Can you imagine telling this person the things you’ve perhaps never said out loud before?

Or do you come away feeling that you need to impress them somehow?

For me, those questions matter far more than whether someone has the perfect sales pitch.

Whenever I have a discovery call, my hope is that people leave feeling lighter than when they arrived. Whether they choose to work with me or not, I want them to feel listened to, understood and reassured that they don’t have to carry everything on their own.

Qualifications matter… but perhaps not in the way you think

One of the difficulties with coaching is that there isn’t one national qualification that every coach has to hold, which can make it hard to know what you’re looking for.

Personally, I think training matters. I continue my professional development every year, I keep my insurance up to date and I believe it’s important to keep learning. My clients deserve that.

But qualifications on their own don’t tell you whether someone is the right coach for you.

One of the most interesting things I’ve learned over the years is that the quality of the relationship between a coach and their client is one of the strongest predictors of positive change. The tools and techniques matter, of course, but they’re only ever part of the picture. Feeling safe, feeling understood and knowing someone has your best interests at heart matter just as much, if not more.

It’s why I always encourage people to trust their experience of the person sitting opposite them, not just the certificates hanging on the wall.

Be cautious of certainty

This might sound like a strange thing for a coach to say, but I’d be cautious of anyone who promises to change your life in five simple steps, or who guarantees a particular outcome.

Life isn’t that neat.

Neither are people.

I also don’t believe that change happens because someone tells you what to do.

The most meaningful changes I’ve seen happen when someone is given the space to understand themselves differently.

One of the things I hear most often from clients is, “I’m sorry, I didn’t do what we’d agreed.”

My response is never to tell them off.

I’m much more interested in understanding why.

Perhaps life got in the way.

Perhaps something didn’t feel right.

Perhaps the goal we’d set together wasn’t really what they wanted at all.

That’s not failure.

That’s useful information.

Curiosity will always teach us more than criticism.

Sometimes the right coach isn’t me

One of the things I often say is that I hope people speak to more than one coach before they make a decision. Of course I’d love it if they chose to work with me, but much more than that, I want them to find the person who feels right for them.

There have been times when I’ve gently suggested that someone would be better supported by another professional. If someone comes to me with an addiction that’s outside my experience, I’ll happily recommend a colleague who specialises in that work. If they’re looking for relationship counselling, I’ll point them towards someone who does that brilliantly.

There have even been occasions when I’ve simply felt that another coach would be a better fit.

Not because there was anything wrong with the client.

Not because I doubted my own ability.

Simply because coaching is such a personal relationship, and sometimes you just know when someone else is better placed to help.

If I don’t genuinely believe I’m the right coach for someone, I don’t think it would be fair to encourage them to work with me.

Because this isn’t about filling my diary.

It’s about helping people find the support they need.

Listen to the quiet voice

If you’re thinking about working with a coach, I’d encourage you to read their website, have a conversation with them and, if you’re still unsure, speak to someone else as well.

Ask the questions that matter to you.

How do they work?

What happens if you become emotional?

How often will you meet?

What will they expect of you between sessions?

And then, before you make your decision, give yourself a moment to notice how you feel.

Do you feel calmer than you did before?

Do you feel accepted?

Do you feel hopeful?

Or is there a quiet voice inside you saying, “This doesn’t feel quite right”?

I believe we already carry the wisdom we’re searching for.

Sometimes we’ve just forgotten how to hear it.

Perhaps the coach you choose matters less than how you feel when you’re with them. And perhaps learning to notice that feeling is the first step in trusting yourself again.

If you only take one thing away from this…

The right coach won’t help you depend on them. They’ll help you trust yourself enough that, one day, you won’t need them anymore.